I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!