I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.