I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.