I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
LMFAOOOO
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
yeah no that’s fair
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business