I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Hero horse inspires millions
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Breaking news:
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Just this preview of the story is enough
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”