Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.