I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!