I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Pass gas, not judgment.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
i hope my email finds you on fire
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy