I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.