@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

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@NourHadidi

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

@envydatropic

Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@AimeeHelene1

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@EllaZee5

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”