I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.


Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about


Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them


Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.


All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.


[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”