I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You Might Also Like
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.