Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.