I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…