Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Peter Parker Peter Driver

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.