I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Guys, I found it.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.