I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.