I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
