I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips