Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.