Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

I had to Stop for this

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad