Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

*updates tinder bio*

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams