Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Social distancing in Australia:

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Taco Bell, Exit 22