I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers