I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out