I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
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Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Stick it to the man
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
how to exercise your calf muscles
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*