I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal