I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

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ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much-
JUDGE: you’re on trial for murder
ME: for murdering too much


My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”


[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.


Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.


My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.


So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?


Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.


I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.