I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.


I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.


god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change and the courage not to set idiots on fire


How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.


I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..


Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive