@RayInCincinnati

I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

You Might Also Like

@UniqueDude2

ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much-
JUDGE: you’re on trial for murder
ME: for murdering too much

@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@ClichedOut

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@KKAlThani

Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.

@Darlainky

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.