I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.