I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.