I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Toxic snake
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.