I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
a fate I wish upon no one
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.