I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
next question.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.