I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.