I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single