I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Terribly Tuesday.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.