Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.