I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
selfie game
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.