I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
me when i see my girls butt
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in