I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”![]()
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.