I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.