I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.