Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday