I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
A friend helps you before you need it
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself