I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.