I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
my first day as a raccoon
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
aesthetic
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
When does CPR become necrophilia?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma