Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

As per my previous tablet…

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.