I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?