Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend