Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

“you look easy to draw”

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

can you read it!!??

maan!

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat