Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run