I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year