I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
the rocks need my help
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.