I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
he’s doing your taxes
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Reporter: *ports again*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.