Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

We found love in a hopeless place.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.