Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.