I wish I were this cool 馃槀
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If someone says they鈥檙e a lover not a fighter it鈥檚 completely legal to punch them to see if it鈥檚 true.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that鈥檚 how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
If your spouse鈥檚 loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
no regrets
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
You鈥檙e not allowed to donate blood if you鈥檝e listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.