I wish I were this cool 😂
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?