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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
a fate I wish upon no one
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.