I wish I were this cool 😂
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.