I wish I were this cool 😂
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Twitter remains undefeated
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours