I wish I were this cool 😂
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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
*ernest hemingway voice*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Finally!
