I wish I were this cool 😂
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
🤣🤣
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.