Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

The honesty is refreshing

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

me, after any kind of buffet.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.