Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

The internet is magic sometimes.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*