I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.