I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.