Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

waiting for halloween be like:

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.