Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Well, this is awkward

That’s fair

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.