i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
more water
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?