i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Autocorrect completely socks
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”