Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.