I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My typo game is string.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.