Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.