I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
You Might Also Like
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.