Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
2022 will be better than 2021
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute